It went a little (or perhaps a lot) like this:
"Songs to go out to
Hey, you!
What do you like to listen to as the pissed-up prelude to an evening on the tiles? What songs lubricate your mental love-pump?
What do you listen to in order to convince yourself that you’re a sugar-shaking, hip-knifing, pot-pourri-snorting, sky-licking, cart-wheeling, bear-raping, beer-inhaling, supermodel-rimming, clit-sucking, jism-spraying, disco-disco-breaking, barn-burning, cock-fisting, tree-kicking, piss-gulping, spirit-world-meddling, plutonium-devouring, gutter-rolling, cocaine-shitting, clam-hammering, dancefloor-warping, knuckle-crunching, space-soaring, blood-vomiting, man-kissing, balcony-defacing, lamppost-butting, love-craving, floor-sniffing, skull-mulching, nipple-eating, cigarette-munching, air-guitar-smashing, vodka-injecting, super glamgasmic arsehole from beyond the heavenly gardens of the turbo lust robots?
For half an hour, at least. Or until Mum gets back from Tai-chi.
Here are some of my ‘going out’ tunes, currently:
‘Rocks Off’ – The Rolling Stones
‘Bug Powder Dust’ – Bomb the Bass
‘Endorphinmachine’ – Prince
‘My Baby Is A Head-f**k’ – The Wildhearts
‘There She Goes My Beautiful World’ – Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds
‘Accelerator’- Primal Scream
‘Sheena Is A Punk Rocker’ – The Ramones
‘Disorder in the House’ – Warren Zevon
‘F.I.N.E.’ - Aerosmith
‘I Want the Drugs’ – The Supersuckers
‘Soul’ - Marah
‘Viva Las Vegas’ –The Dead Kennedys
‘Sonic Shake’ – The SilverGinger 5
‘Whole Lotta Rosie’ –AC/DC
‘Summertime Blues’ – GuitarWolf
‘I Don’t Wanna Grow Up’ – Tom Waits
Music for men and women to be sooperstoopid to! Piss off Coldplay, you undertaining bunch of cardigan-souled, snore-bore-whorezzzzzzzzzzzz……
THIS is (also) music! Hurrah!
You guys aren’t old yet: you have to underlectualise it, sometimes!
You’re young, dumb and full of C’MON!
And if I was Chris Martin right now, I’d change my band’s name to ‘Troy Tornado and the Bubblegum Wolverines’ and write a song called ‘ I’m a Multi-Quadrillionaire And My Balls Are Made Of 24-Carat Gold And Spunk f**k-ing Sulphuric Acid And I Sodomised Gwyneth Paltrow And Brad Pitt And Three Amazonian Mega-Models With Dildos Made Of Diamonds Last Night And Tomorrow I’ll Probably Drunk-Drive A Transforming Bulldozer-Robot Right Over The Middle Of London And Replace It With A Giant Statue That Looks Exactly Like My Cock And If Anyone Doesn’t Like It I’ll Kill Them With A Death-Ray That Turns Their Insides To Ice-Cream, So f**k Off!’
And it would be a 33-minute-long glam rock/girl-group/soul-pop epic building up to splendiferous dimension-tearing climax with the London Philharmonic on acid, The London Gospel Choir on coke, Girls Aloud and The Donnas on orgasms, Phil Spector on guns, Keith Moon on chainsaws, all of the Beatles on guitar solos (even Pete Best), Satan on bass, Bill Hicks on swearwords, Jesus and Prince singing falsetto harmonies on crack, The Ramones on arguments, The Wildhearts on punchups, The Stooges on dynamite cigars, GuitarWolf on laser-guided missiles, The Cramps on stolen UFOs, and Keef Richards banging on the inside of an iron lung with a f**k-ing saucepan.
‘Cos the Abyss is just another crack that needs a damned good f**k-ing. So lube up and get humping, gentlemen.
Sweet!
Err……you?
[/ahem.]
Well, there you go.
