The XXXXX Rated Jokes Page

[Pauly]

What do you call seven epileptics wrapped in tin foil?



A packet of wrigleys



:getscoat:

[VladDracii]

Gentleman's in a bar when he starts eyeing up a lady, she comes over, they start chatting, and after having a great nite together they end up back at his place...

...Anyway they're just about to get down to it when she says

"Wait, I have a request"
"What is it?" he replies dubiously
"Well, instead of fucking me properly, can you use your big toe instead?"

Being quite optimistic, the man complies, and leaves the next morning, thinkling nothing more of it

A few weeks pass and the man noticies he's started limping on one leg, as his foot is in incredible pain. Under close inspection the man realises the foots started to go all green and sore, so off he pops to the Doctors...

After a thorough once over the Doctor breaks the news to the man

"Well I have only seen this once in my 20 year medical career, but you've contracted something know as 'Syphilis of the Big Toe'..."

The man gasps and says

"Doctor, in your 20 year career I doubt you've seen anything so embarrassing, I feel so low"

To which the Doctor replies

"You think that's embarrassing? Last week a woman came in with a case of Athletes Cunt"

[sonicshake]

A woman gives birth, and a nurse takes the baby into an adjacent room to clean it up. She re-enters and approaches the mother, the babe wrapped up in a towel in her arms.

"Congratulations," she says. "It's a healthy baby girl." As she says this, she accidentally drops the baby, which promptly lands right on its squishy noggin.

"My baby!" screams the mother.

"Don't worry, I'll get it!" smiles the nurse.

However, she unfortunately stumbles and places her foot right on the baby's face, before accidentally kicking it across the room. It hits the wall with a sickening crack before the nurse runs over to it, peels it off the floor and throws it out of the window.

"What are you doing?!" yells the mother.

"April Fools!" replies the nurse. "It was already dead!"

[beerofthedark]

Why do newborn babies have that little soft spot on the top of their heads?


So the nurses can carry ten at once.

[Pauly]

what's the difference between light and hard?


You can sleep with the light on....

[Sarc]

Ultimate phone prank:

1. Call the Childline number and say, "I've just pressed redial and this number came up, who is this?"

2. Operator replies, "you're through to Childline."

3. You shout, "TERRY, YOU LITTLE CUNT, NOT AGAIN....COME HERE YOU LITTLE BASTARD" before hanging up the phone.

[VladDracii]

Ultimate phone prank:

1. Call the Childline number and say, "I've just pressed redial and this number came up, who is this?"

2. Operator replies, "you're through to Childline."

3. You shout, "TERRY, YOU LITTLE CUNT, NOT AGAIN....COME HERE YOU LITTLE BASTARD" before hanging up the phone.

Problem, when you first call won't they say 'You're thru to childline' Straight away? Hence ruining the joke slightly?

[Sarc]

Twat

[bennympls]

How do you know when your little brother has been fuckin your little sister whilest she is on the rag?????? His dick tastes like blood

[oleandershelly]

A little boy is in the livingroom playing trains while his Mum is washing up. After a couple of minutes the Mum stops to listen and she hears "Will all the bastards on he train get of and will all the fuckers on the platform get on"
First she doesn't believe what she hears so she walks in to watch. The little boy pulls the train into the station and repeats "Will all the bastards on he train get of and will all the fuckers on the platform get on".
His Mum drags him to his room, scaulds him and makes him stay there for 2 hours.
When his time is up she lets him go back to play, but warns him not to do it again.
The little boy pulls the train into the station and calls out" Will all the people on the train get off and all the people on the platform please get on"
His Mum smiles and the boy starts to pull the train out of the station and says "Sorry for the two fucking hour delay, but that bitch made me go to my room"