Welcome to today.
The wind will mostly be blowing from the left today, so make sure to comb your hair towards the right to avoid embarrassment. Walk backwards if needs be, but watch for buggies!
There will be graphics of lightning over Bournemouth. Some are slightly oversized, so try not to snag a sleeve on the jaggy bits.
Most branches of Poundstretchers will be flooded.
Meteorites will descend on Glasgow at about lunchtime, so be careful to keep all organisms indoors.
It will go dark tonight.
The Moon is having its period, so you can collect tampons at Wembley if necessary.
December is on holiday, so June and February will cover in a split shift. Watch for leap days!
Leaves will be noticeable.
The rain will be invisible today, so don’t be fooled! Best to quickly stick a hand out of the letterbox if you’re thinking of going to the shops. If you’re still not sure, send a dry child to check.
The Earth will spin backwards for an hour at breakfast. Time will likely be reversed for this period, so it’s a good opportunity to visit recently-deceased relatives.
Orion will ride the Big Dipper this evening, so sailors slow your boats down to avoid rocks.
Here’s Tom with some freshly-baked news.
